


the flowers growing out of your mouth

by moriphyte



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 12:57:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10787178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriphyte/pseuds/moriphyte
Summary: "I can see the flowers growing out of your mouthwhile the cancer in your brain begs to get out.And i'll try to understand (your) pain againby laying my body on the fireby accepting myself as the enemyIt doesn't take much to recognize that these leeches aren't my friendsand it gets harder when everything goes through a formula filter (your head)Erase the ones I love the most so I can bleed in peace.Relieve the poison from my tongue.Embrace a reverie"-Code Orange Kids-Flowermouth (The Leech)The past is like the teeth of a leech, bitting into your flesh and holding on, sucking your body dry the way a weed kills the rest of the flowers in a garden. Lapis knows this all too well.





	the flowers growing out of your mouth

**Author's Note:**

> Some shit about Lapis having a bad dream and Peridot comforting her because I'm gay and also because I had some bad emotional flashbacks at work the other day. It was shitty and I smoked a lot but I'm feeling okay now I think.

The rain is just beginning to fall heavier as your bare feet touch down on the wet grass around the barn  
You dissipate your wings, allowing the water back into the air and run your fingers through your mess of damp blue hair, walking towards the barn doors.  
From the cracks in the heavy wooden doors you can see light seeping through from inside and you know that Peridot must still be up. You smile to yourself at the thought of your roommate sitting in your shared living area most likely working on one of her 'art' pieces while watching reruns of Camp Pining Hearts. She's recently gotten into painting ever since Steven first introduced you both to the medium. Peridot likes acrylics while you like oils and watercolor. She's probably watching episodes from season four as you made her promise not to watch any new ones until you got back from visiting Steven. Now that you're back you can finally start season five, the thought of which makes your smile widen.

  
You reach out and are just about to wrap your fingers around the wet metal handle of the barn door when a familiar feeling stops you.  
Your stomach twists and you go still, slowly retracting your hand from the handle of the barn door and bringing it close to your chest.  
You close your eyes and try to keep yourself from shaking as you take a deep breath, crossing your arms over your chest and holding onto yourself tightly.  
You bite your lip and squeeze your eyes shut, telling yourself this isn't happening, she's not there, it's in your head.  
It's not like this doesn't happen. You feel her presence when you know she isn't there, like some part of her stuck with you after you unfused and maybe it did. Yeah, maybe.

  
You're just starting to calm yourself down when a large hand takes you by the shoulder and you jump, spinning around.  
Through the rain you see a large dark shape as a streak of lightning cuts across the sky  
Your eyes go wide and you go completely still. Your lips move to speak but you can't form words as Jasper steps into the dim light from the barn.  
You try to breath but you can't seem to find any air, you're shaking and you can't take your eyes off of the gem in front of you. The light glints off the sharply cut gem embedded where her nose should be, casting shadows across her strong face. There's a strip of dark orange across her sharp features like someone took a paint and brush to her face.  
You swallow hard and breathe out, "Jasper"  
She smiles, lighting up her bright orange eyes and you curl in on yourself  
"Lapis"  
"What-what are you doing here?" You ask, your voice shaking  
"I've been looking for you" she says, taking a step towards you  
You step back, glancing around for a way out, "d-dont come any closer"  
"Lapis just listen to me"  
"No!" You say, voice suddenly rising, "you need to leave"  
"I'm not leaving, not until I get what I want"  
You shake your head, balling your hands into fists at your sides and glaring up at her, "I said no, Jasper, you need to go, NOW"  
"I told you, I'm not leaving, not until you listen to me"  
You see real intention in her eyes and a sudden surge panic shoots through you. You spin around, grabbing the handle of the barn door. Peridot is just inside, all you have to do is get inside and you'll be safe.

  
Large hands grab you by the wrist and yank you back, spinning you back around.  
Your bare feet slip in the wet mud but the painful grip on your arm keeps you standing  
You grab onto the hand holding you by the wrist and look up desperately, "Jasper stop" you try to make it strong like an order instead of a plea but you both know what it really is  
You may have spent months holding her at the bottom of the ocean but that fear is still there and you don't think it will ever go away  
She was right all those times she told you that you were weak, all you have is water, and without it you're small, useless.

  
She shakes her head, pulling you closer, "Lapis just listen to me"  
You struggle, squeezing your eyes shut and shaking your head, pushing at her broad chest, "no, let me go, LET ME GO!"  
Her other hand comes up and takes your face between her large fingers. The feeling is familiar and you struggle harder as the memories of being pushed and grabbed fill your head  
"Stop fighting, I just want to talk to you" she says  
You don't hear her, you're panicking now, you're fighting for your life, your freedom, the home you finally have  
"Lapis stop it" she takes you by the hair and tries to keep you still but you keep fighting against her, kicking your bare feet in the mud and pushing away from her  
"Stop it" she says and you shake your head violently, ignoring the way it makes her grip on your hair pull painfully  
"I SAID STOP IT"

  
You go still, and open your eyes, slowly looking up to meet hers.  
You look for any sign of anger there but there's nothing, just something that looks almost desperate  
"Please" she says, softer  
You're breathing heavily as you stand there in the rain, looking up at the face of the gem who haunts your broken sleep.  
Without a thought from you water rises up from the ground and in from the air, collecting around you and hardening into shards like the glass of your broken mirror prison

  
A shard touches Jaspers arm, cutting the flesh there and she pulls away in surprise, dropping you  
You hit the ground hard and immediately scramble back, pressing your back against the barn door.  
Now she looks angry  
"I just want to talk to you, can't I do that without you fighting me?" She demands  
Your hands curl into fists in the muddy grass and the crystals sharpen, closing in on her.  
"You're too weak for those powers, you can't use them the way they should be, but I can make you strong. Together we can be strong, like before" she says, taking a step towards you

  
You shake your head and press back against the barn door, "no, I can't, I have a home now...a family, Steven and Peridot...even the Crystal Gems, I'm not going to leave that"  
Her eyebrows raise and she laughs, the sound is like ice through your chest, "a family? A FAMILY? That's what you think they are? Are you really that stupid? Do you really think they care about you? Remember what they did to you?"  
"What about what you did to me!" You yell, suddenly angry  
She scoffs, "what _I_ did to _you_? What about what _you_ did to _me_!?"

  
You bite your lip and look at the ground, your stomach twisting in sickness  
You look at your hand curled into a fist on the muddy ground and slowly relax it, causing the ice crystals around her to fall to the ground, shattering on impact  
"I was terrible to you...I was angry and I took it out on you...I LIKED doing it...it was bad and...and I'm sorry that I hurt you...but I'm not sorry that I did it"  
She just stands there, not saying anything as you sit there on the wet ground, suddenly so cold and wanting nothing more than to go inside the barn and go to sleep  
"Lapis"  
You look up at her from your place on the ground and her face isn't hers, it isn't yours, it's both and neither of your faces, it's Malachite's  
"Lapis!"   
You're shaking, everything is shaking  
"LAPIS!"

  
Your eyes shoot open and you jump, falling out of the hammock and hitting the worn wood floor hard   
"Uhg" you groan, rubbing your head and pushing yourself up on your sore elbows  
You lift your head and Peridot stands in front of you looking concerned. She's wearing the shirt she took from Steven that's way too big for her tiny body. He gave you one too, he said that if you were going to be Crystal Gems you had to wear a star. It's stupid but it made him happy and you can't say no to him.

  
"Why did you wake me up?" you ask  
"You were shaking" she says   
You bite the inside of your cheek, "Oh...uh...sorry" you give her a forced smile   
She looks at you for a moment and then holds out her hand, "come on, I've been waiting for you to wake up to watch the next episode"  
Your smile widens and you take her hand allowing her to pull you up with what appears to be much difficulty 

  
"Come on, I want to watch the next episode" she says, pulling you over to the ladder that leads to the loft  
You climb up and take a seat on the old couch as Peridot turns on the tv and inserts the tape into the machine. She presses a few buttons and after some initial static the Camp Pinning Hearts opening appears on the screen.  
She grins and runs over to plop down beside you on the couch, looking at the tv excitedly

  
"I can't wait for this episode, the way the last one ended was very unsatisfactory"  
"Tell me about it" you say, thinking of the overly dramatic cliffhanger at the end of the last episode you watched together 

  
You sit on the couch watching in silence. When the episode ends Peridot grins, "that was terrible, I can't believe Percy just let Paulette win like that, all to make her _feel_ better" she says. She launches into a rant about the episode and you try to listen but your mind wanders to your dream. 

  
Then theres a hand on your arm shaking you "hey Lapis are you listening?"  
You jump, flinching away from the touch. Peridot sits beside you looking up at you expectantly, "huh?" you say, "oh uh, yeah, sorry"   
She frowns, narrowing her green eyes at you, "you're lying to me"  
"No I'm not" you say  
"Yes, you are, I can tell. Is this about that dream you had? Is something wrong? Tell me" she says   
You look down, "it's nothing"  
"No it's not, tell me whats wrong" she says, pressing  
"I said its nothing" you snap, looking up at her with a glare 

  
When you see her face you immediately feel bad. You hug yourself and look down quickly "I'm sorry"   
She doesn't answer and for a moment you're afraid you made her mad but then she's snapping her small fingers in front of your face "hey Lazuli, look at me"   
You raise your eyes to hers, "why are you sorry?" she asks   
You look to the side, "I...I'm sorry that I'm...like this, you shouldn't have to deal with it" you say  
"But I want to deal with it, thats what you're supposed to do when you care about someone" she says earnestly 

  
You sigh and raise your eyes to hers again, "...I had a dream about Jasper"  
She nods but doesn't say anything, allowing you to continue 

"She came here...to the barn...I think she wanted me to fuse with her again"  
You bite your lip, "I told her to leave but she wouldn't, she just kept...pushing me and I...I was afraid"  
"Of Jasper?" she asks 

  
You shake your head, "of myself, I was afraid that what I did to her really did make me a monster...I was afraid that if I talked to her then I would let her fuse with me again...I said no before but...I wanted to, I really wanted to, but I didn't, I knew I couldn't do that, not to her or myself"  
You stare down at your hands, holding tight to each other, "I still think about her every day...I can't get her out of my head"

  
She looks at you thoughtfully, "you were fused with her for a long time, it would make sense that you would still think about her, especially given the traumatic nature of your fusion"  
"But I don't _want_ to think about her" you say quietly   
"I know, it can't be easy to think about that every day but something really bad happened to you, its normal that it would take some time" she says 

  
"But it's been months!" you say, looking up at her desperately, "when is it going to STOP?"  
She looks alarmed and you immediately look down again, holding yourself tightly. You're starting to shake and you squeeze your eyes shut, "I just want it to stop..."

She doesn't say anything for a moment and then she's wrapping her small arms around you   
You stiffen and open your eyes, looking down at her. She looks back at you but doesn't say anything, just sits there holding you.  
Slowly you let go of your elbows and wrap your arms around her, burying your face in her hair. You sit like that for a long time before you finally say, "...hey Peridot?"

She pulls back and looks at you, "yeah?"  
"Thanks" you say  
She smiles, "it's wow, thanks"  
You laugh and shake your head, "fine, wow, thanks"  
She grins, "you are welcome"


End file.
